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What Sayeth You Joe Rogan?

Updated: Feb 1, 2018

  -Early 2018-

Funny, some people only think of him as the Fear Factor guy when I tell them they should check out his podcast. Hey, you should check out his podcast. It’s one of the most open-minded, non-judgemental, genuine shows on any platform. You’ll laugh, you’ll learn, you’ll.. Ok, this is not about his podcast, and it’s not about sucking his dick. It’s about my Joe Rogan comedy show experience.

    I was afraid I might have to go by myself for awhile. I asked my friend (with benefits) if she wanted to go right when I heard about it, months before the show date. She said yes immediately. Then some drama went down with her baby daddy (not me, and no they're not still together) and she couldn’t go. She had already transferred me forty bucks for her ticket, and I had transferred her ticket to her. She transferred it back to me and said don’t worry about the money. I told her I would at least try to get half of it back for her. She said, “no don’t worry about.”  I said, “ok.”

     So, I start seeing this new girl from Venezuela a couple of months later, a couple of weeks before the show. She says she thinks she can go but she’s not sure. She says she will let me know. I don’t really want her to go. I mean, I do, I don’t wanna go by myself, but her English isn’t all that great, and she hasn’t been in American very long, so I question whether or not she would even like it. She says she can’t go one day before the show. Good- err- I mean fuck. Better get on my phone, swipe, and find me another date. Easy enough.

    I had already matched with this blond girl a few days prior actually. She’d flaked out on me once, but promised she wouldn’t do it again. I believed her, so I asked her if she wanted to go. She said yes. She doesn’t flake on me a second time. Sweet. You may be thinking by this point that I’m some no good cheating son of a bitch. Wrong. I’m not. I never have been and don’t ever plan on being. When it comes to actual, committed relationships and not just dating, I’m batting a thousand. I am not a cheater. I simply like playing the field. Sure, I hope I find the right one someday. My soul mate. Absolutely. But, I’ll never settle, which may mean that I’m mainly single for the rest of my life. If that’s the case, so be it.


   I drive to blondie’s house, pick her up, and we go the show. We are trying to find a parking spot, when we notice that there’s a line A MILE FUCKING LONG to try to get into the damn place! I don’t do lines. I’m a pretty patient person, but not when it comes to lines. Fuck lines. But what am I gonna do? We had already bought the tickets, well my one ticket and the free one from my FWB. The demand to see Joe Ro was so high they scheduled a second show and that’s the one we had tickets for. The long ass line was because they were still clearing people out from the first show.

   No phones allowed. If you brought your phone, they would put it in a locked bag for you to keep, then they would open it for you at the end of the show. That’s what the fifteen hundred emails said during the week leading up to the show. They also said, ‘no mobile tickets’, so you’d have to print them. I don’t have a fucking printer. I don’t know many people that still do. I mean their not as obsolete as VCRs or anything, but come on.

   I call the performing arts center where the show is being held a couple of days prior and ask if I will be able to use my phone to get in. The dude says yes, but I could tell he really didn’t know, so I respond to one of the fifteen hundred emails they had sent and I ask them again. A lady emails me back and says, ‘No you cannot get in with mobile tickets,’ but she offers to print my tickets for me and tells me I can pick them up at will call. I respond to her- ‘Yes please.’ She responds back telling me my tickets will be at will call for pickup before the show with a picture ID. Decent! Except for one small problem once we get parked and make our way towards all the people- Are we standing in the right line? Probably not, I knew the long ass line, halfway down the block (That was only part of it in the pic) was most likely the wrong line, but I’m a dumbass so I stand in it, for all of about five minutes. My date says she felt a raindrop. Uh-Oh.

   I see a lady worker from the place walking and talking to people in line, asking them what kind of tickets they have. I see some people get sent away, and before she could ask me, I ask her in my best ‘I’m an idiot’ voice, “Hey is this the line your suppose to be in if your picking your tickets up from will call?” Of course it’s not the line, you dumb piece of shit. “No, follow those people around to the other side of the building to the main ticket window and you can pick them up there.” My date and I say “ok”, and off we go right before it starts to rain. We make our way through the herd of sheep that are waiting in line, like good boys and girls, that had done what they were told and printed their tickets off before they got there.

   We stand in a much- much- much- shorter line. Instead of a thousand fucks, there was only about fifty. We stand under the awning as it starts to rain on all those poor saps and their paper tickets. I mention to my date that they better let us right in after we pick up our tickets because I’m not going and standing back in the mile-long line that still hadn’t moved. No fucking way. I’m not upset about it by any means, I just wasn’t going to do it. Period.

   After about five minutes of standing in the will call line, that also hadn’t moved- I guess they still weren’t quite cleared out from the first show- we realize that it’s actually not the will call line, it’s just a different line. They were more fortunate than the other saps, but they were still standing there regardless. My date and I step out of line and walk up to a set of doors without any people around them, and we walk in. There was not a single soul in the will call line. We make our way through the ropes and I fork over my ID. The lady hands me my tickets and says, “Enjoy the show.” I say,  “thanks.”


We follow the rope and it leads us right to the main entry They had just started letting people in, like right after I got my tickets. It was like it was all planned out and in unison. Meant to be. We had timed it perfectly. We walked right in! I know what you’re probably thinking, “Those cock suckers cut in line.”  We didn’t. We just followed the rope and it led us directly to the metal detectors. I placed my phone in the bag, they locked it, and we went in.

   We had plenty of time to spare, and my date was nice enough to buy me a couple of beers, while we waited for the show to start. We stood there and drank them while the majority of other Joe Ro goer’s were outside drinking rainwater. We took our seat’s a good fifteen minutes before the show started. I chit chat with my date and a random guy next to me, about DMT, frequently mentioned on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast. 

   The warm-up act came on, and I didn’t think he was very good. Started off alright, but it went south in a hurry when he started telling the same old, lame, boring, weed jokes. I guess the majority of the crowd wasn’t high. I anticipated him finishing and what the moment was going to be like when Joe Ro hit the stage! I was pumped! The first guy is about ten minutes in, and I run out of beer. I tell my date I’m gonna go grab us a couple of fresh ones before Joe Ro comes out. We were in the last row in the middle section of the balcony, so I hop over my seat and proceed back out to the lobby. Son of a fucking bitch! The beer line is much longer now. All those fucks had finally made it in out of the rain, from one long line, to another. I thought about saying screw it and going back to my seat. But I didn’t. I wanted to enjoy another beer while I laughed with the herd at Joe Ro jokes. So I wait. Five minutes go by, and I’m getting really antsy. I know the opening act is about finished. I can just feel it. I’m the next person in line, and I look up on the video screen above my head, and there he is. Joe Rogan was taking the stage. I fucking missed it. Damn lines! I was pretty disappointed at first, but I rushed back to my seat and he was only about two minutes into his schtick. Not really a big deal, except I wanted to feel that moment when he first hit the stage. I’ll never have that chance again. Oh well. I guess it was karma for not having to wait an hour in line to get in like everybody else. In the end, it didn’t matter. Joe Ro tore down the house. I still don’t think his comedy is as good as his podcasts, but it was pretty damn funny.  

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